Gratuitous* Information.

Yesterdays Post....

2010-01-21T14:44:00.002+11:00

... what a load of bollocks! I must've been in some namby, pamby hippy mood when I wrote that.

I mean really, there is nothing, NOTHING, beneficial about having a broken leg!!!

It's really, really fucking annoying. Although I will concede that it would be much LESS annoying than having two broken legs.

Benefits of having a broken leg...

2010-01-20T22:03:00.001+11:00

... are very few, but in light of trying to be positive, here goes:

* Saves on razor blades (only having one leg to shave!)
* Forces me to slow down and be less frantic in my life
* Makes me appreciate the little things (like how good it is to have a shower!)
* Makes me thankful that one broken leg is all I've got (things could be much worse!)

That's all I can think of at the moment.

Time Flies

2010-01-06T18:36:00.003+11:00

A day at home. It has flown by. I feel like I've done lots of things and nothing at the same time. Not sure how that's possible, but still...

NYE, 2009

2009-12-31T21:09:00.003+11:00

Am at home by myself. Wife is at work, she just left 10 minutes ago. I hate when she's on nights. So I'm sitting here with the pugs watching New Years' Eve on the stupid telly.

On the plus side, I have discovered that if I turn the volume up loud it drowns out the *real* fireworks and the dogs stay asleep on the lounge instead of barking like maniacs. Every cloud.

2 Years

2009-12-28T19:09:00.002+11:00

Over two years is how long it's been since I wrote something on here. I have no self-discipline in any aspect of my life, even the things I enjoy!

Two years. It's a long time. I am married to the love of my life. We will be together until we die. Sounds so fucking poxy but it's true. I know it like I know my own name.

Men 101

2007-11-04T19:19:00.000+11:00

Daughter has just had her first lesson in men-101. Her boyfriend has just told her that he 'doesn't love her like he used to'. They have been together about 2 months, give or take a week.

As usual, he 'seemed' like he loved her, in as much as one teenager can 'love' another. Even his mother said she's never seen him like that- totally besotted by a girl. He told his mum that Daughter was 'the most important thing in the world to me' and when Boyfriend's mum said "So you really like her, huh?", he replied "No, I love her". He would even talk unashamedly about getting married and the number of children he wanted!!!

And here we are, a mere few weeks later and now he "just doesn't love her like he used to". What an asshole.

So, here's the first lesson: Men don't mean what they say. Men say what they think you want to hear when they're getting their leg over.

I remember when my first serious boyfriend decided to end out relationship. We had a nice dinner, sex and then he called it quits. I was dumbfounded at his timing. You know what he said? I just wanted to end it on a 'high' note.

Daughter's new friends!

2007-04-25T14:39:00.000+10:00

Yes, daughter has a new group of friends. I actually think this is a good thing. She thinks I don't think that. She went to a 'concert' (actually I don't know if you can call it that- the local Art Gallery has live music events that are to cater for the in-between age group. Not old enough to go to 'real' gigs in pubs, but old enough to want to go 'out' and listen to bands. I guess the 14-18 age group would be the main users. The tickets are cheap and the venue is local.)

Anyway, she went to this concert by herself which I thought was very brave of her. I would not have been confident enough at her age to do that. So there she is after the first 'act' (set?) sitting by herself and this group of a few girls/one guy came up and asked her: "Do you need some friends?" and then 'adopted' her as their new friend. Which I think was really nice of them.

So of course they exchanged 'my spaces' and now spend every waking minute chatting online or sms-ing each other on their mobiles. She has completely 'forgotten' about her old friends and is totally obsessed with the new ones.

These 'new' friends are mostly 1-2 years older than her. They are in Year 11 or 12 at school. They do not go to her school and some don't even live in our area (my god!). There are 3 boys (the 'group' has expanded since they first met at the concert) that 'like' her and that she 'likes', even though 1 of them she's only met on myspace! At least one of the boys drive a car! Jesus! Not already, surely? So far there has been no request to go IN the car with him, although I know she met them all at the local shopping centre (of course) the other day when I went back to work and she had a pupil-free day. She was supposed to catch the bus and be back by 4:00pm, which she was, (of course I phoned her at home!), but I don't *really* know if she caught the bus home or if she got a lift in his/someone else's car.

She thinks I have issues with her having new friends that are older. I really don't. I think she's probably about the same 'level' as them anyway. I DO, however, have issues with her spending hours and hours and hours 'chatting' with them online. This will end up being a repeat of last year if I don't put limits on it. She won't do her schoolwork and will end up with crap results at school.

She has the shits because I would not let her go out with them today, (as it's a public holiday). She was supposed to have her room painted and finished by the weekend, but she hasn't done it. She asked last night if she could go out and I said "No". She has to be responsible and get her room finished. Later on I found her at about midnight, painting her room. She was under the assumption (very false) that if she finished it last night then she would be allowed to go out today. I corrected her assumption, (as she was trying to do a 'second' coat on a wall that had the first coat applied less than 2 hours previously), and she tried to argue with me/tell me I was unfair/etc. It ended with me saying "The answer is no. You are not going out tomorrow even if you stay up all night and paint your room!" Smacks of "Because I'm the mum and I said so!". But, so be it. She can't always have the answer 'yes'. Anyway, when I woke her up at 2:00 pm I got grunted at. When she got out of bed (3:00 pm) and walked past my study on her way to the shower, I got a filthy look and another grunt. Oh well. I'm not her friggin' best friend. I'm her mother and sometimes she just has to suck it up.

Pet food dilemma

2007-04-16T11:08:00.000+10:00

I used to buy the girls their food at the vet- it was Royal Canin brand and supposedly full of all the right things. It cost a bloody fortune and eventually I could not justify it anymore, so I switched to a highest-supermarket-quality brand. BUT, I'm not a happy camper.

It seems to me that they have been especially itchy lately.

Also, I have been leaning more and more towards buying products- especially cosmetic-type one's- that have not been tested on animals. I don't see why an animal- be it a mouse, rat, rabbit, dog, cat or whatever, should have to suffer just so I can wash my face/hair, put on a bit of mascara, etc. It bothers me a lot that humans still test stuff on animals, especially stuff that is really, when you think about it, not that necessary.

So... the next logical step is this: Most commercial ped food companies (if not all!) test their food on animals, namely dogs and cats. Now, by this I don't mean that they give free samples to Fido down the road to see if he likes it or not. I mean they keep their dogs and cats in tiny cages, often with just a mesh-wire floor, (so it's easy to hose out the urine/faeces). They don't get excercise, affection, medical care, in fact they don't even get a life.

Now I know my girls are completely spoilt. They sleep mostly in my bed, they have a very high quality of life, they are washed in LUSH (brand) shampoo (of course not tested on animals!). I mean, if I were to come back as a dog I'd want it to be one of mine. I do realise that most pet dogs do not live in this kind of luxury. Although I think it would be safe to assume that most dogs are given decent food, fresh water, shelter, companionship, etc. A far cry from the life that the 'pet-food-company' dogs and cats live. So if I follow this to it's logical conclusion, why should I feed my girls food that guarantees other dogs suffer for it?

Now here's the problem. You CAN'T get comercially-made dog food that is NOT tested on animals!!! The reason you can't get it is because ALL the companies use animals for testing!!!

So... I called upon a friend of mine, (Hi Bethany!), and found a website that creates a pet food that does not test on animals. I like it. I think it's probably comparably expensive- more like the cost of the Vet food... but I have to put my money where my mouth is. No use saying "So sad, too bad" and then doing nothing about it.

Here is the Website:
http://www.veganpet.com.au/

Yes, it's 'vegan' but if you actually read the site, it's got everything in it that dogs need. There is also one for cats.

I think I will give it a try.

I need to Blog more!

2007-04-16T10:51:00.000+10:00

I really wish I were consistent with my bloggering!

It's been months since I last posted on here, although I often think of things to write when I'm not anywhere near my computer.

Like this for instance:

Yesterday I was at my local shopping centre and there was a makeshift stage with some very, very B-grade actors sitting at a table. I'm talking not even recognisable by my daughter (I know I wouldn't have a clue who they were, but she's 15 and should be up on these things!). Anyway, here's this huge queue of people lining up to get an autograph/photo on their mobiles.... there were security guards! Security guards for god's sake! I just don't understand it! I mean what is the point? I just don't understand people!

I mean, even if (and that's a big one) these actors go on to become "famous", what does that prove? "Oh, I lined up in a shopping centre and got their signature along with hundreds of other people". So? Big woop-de-do.

Obese!

2006-10-28T09:26:00.000+10:00

Yes, I am part of the "Obestity Epidemic!"

I feel like I should have that in big, red, 'headline' font.

I am a scourge on society! A burden to the taxpayer! A user-up of all the health services!

Gee, and I thought it was only my own health I was fucking up! I didn't know I was responsible for all the evils in the world!

Lucky I have all those skinny people to KEEP REMINDING ME how gross, unattractive and lazy I am! I mean, I would never know how easy it is to be thin!

Apparently, all I have to do is EAT LESS and EXCERCISE more!

Wow- it's all sooooooooooo simple, I wish I'd thought of it before! I could just *kick* myself for not coming up with this idea 15 years ago when I was first F.A.T!

The Whip

2006-10-21T18:02:00.000+10:00

I tried to line up the pics so they weren't all over the place with the text, but I lost the text. It was something about how I found this whip (whip!!!) in my driveway one day and how strange that was. Anyway, I'm sure it was very funny and witty. Trust me.

Dr MartEn , Dr MartEn, Dr MartEn Boots!*

2006-10-07T16:02:00.000+10:00

*See comments for explanation!!!

If you were ever obsessed with 'The Young Ones' you'll know what the title meant!

Anyway, I bought some black, 8-hole Doc's today. I am having my mid-life crisis today and wearing boots I wore in my teens/20's. I love them!

I have a house warming party to go tonight. It's a colleauge at work who is having the party and I'm not even sure why she invited me. I won't know very many people there. Still, I'm a big girl. In more ways than one.

Lip Shape

2006-10-03T18:16:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I read on the SMH website an article about a conference about to happen in Australia about 'Australian Lip Shape'

What?

I can't believe this. It just seems absurd! When we are about to run out of water, when the planet is 10 years away from being way too hot, when the wealthiest nation in the world can't stop it's citizens from killing children- there's some moron discussing the difference between 'lip shape' in Australia as opposed to London as opposed to France! Why on earth (indeed!) is this important?

I will never understand some people.

Monday and I'm already bored

2006-10-02T21:29:00.000+10:00

Yes, it's true. First Monday of the holidays and I'm bored. Maybe 'bored' is the wrong descriptor. I have tons to do, but nothing appeals to me. I have watched these movies so far:

'Northern Country' (loved it);

'Ali G innit' (pretty funny but I have seen a lot of it before);

'10 things I hate about you' (stupid- I thought it was a different movie when I picked it out from Blockbuster);

'Shopgirl' (OK, but I couldn't get over the creepiness of the fact that Steve Martin's character was getting off with someone young enough to be his daughter. Urgh);

'The March of the Penguins' (loved this one too).

Great. The cat just vomited on the carpet. Bloody cats!!! I am *never* having cats again after these two go to kitty heaven. Someone remind me of this.

I have re-joined the Greens. I love Media Watch! I pretty much only watch the ABC or SBS now. This is how I used to be before ex-partner diluted my brain with Big Brother and other Channel Ten refuse. Now I can get back to my healthy dislike for all things commercial.

Why is it that short men always seem to have 'short man syndrome?' Is it all of them, or just the ones that I know? The one I know has to always big-note himself- full of arrogance and self-importance while really, he does fuck all and spends all his time shirking his responsibilities. One day I'm going to pat him on his bald head and tell him to go fuck himself.

Today is the day...

2006-09-08T09:47:00.000+10:00

.....that Daughter goes overseas. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I am excited and happy on her behalf because of the experiences she'll have. On the other hand, I am terrified. She'll be on the other side of the world. She'll be with her dad, whom she has never lived with before. It will be really weird being on my own for 5 weeks. Although I joke about how much 'freedom' I'll have, I think I really will miss her. Or maybe I'm scared that I won't! Maybe I'm scared that I will resent her coming back after I've got used to being on my own for all that time! I know that people will find that comment offensive, as if any mother would never say that. But there you go, it is said.

Ex-Partner has been in contact with her. Apparently wants to come around this morning and say goodbye. I am soooooooo pissed off with her. She hasn't had any contact for weeks and weeks.... she has a 'new' family, 'new' children that she has replaced Daughter with in her affections and daughter knows it too. Daughter claims that she knows this and is only using her to get a) money for her trip and b) the concert tickets that Ex-Partner bought and hasn't given to Daughter yet. Daughter says I should just be civil to her in order to get the photo albums back. I don't know if I can- she makes my blood boil!!!

Daughter goes overseas!

2006-08-13T18:27:00.000+10:00

Daughter is going overseas in 26 days. This is the first time that she has been overseas. She will be gone for 5 weeks!!! That's the longest she has ever been away, too. I am really excited on her behalf- what a great experience- but on the other hand I feel sick about the *possible* things that could happen to her while I'm not there to 'protect' her. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to her... I don't know how it's possible to survive the death of your child- I know parents do it all the time, but really, I just don't know how they have the will to go on.

Anyway, enough about that. No more stressing about what *might* happen.

She is catching the bus to the station and the train into the city to meet her dad on Wednesday afternoon. She's never caught the bus before, but has been on the train plenty of times, but never on her own. Argh! I hate this *growing up* thing!!! It should be banned- it's too stressful for mothers!!!

Fucking theives!!!

2006-08-13T18:19:00.000+10:00

I am soooooooo pissed off. Daughter's phone got stolen from her bag at school. We know exactly who did it and when they did it but because the fucking school took so long to 'search' them, of course it wasn't still 'on' them. They should have confronted them as soon as it was reported, and interviewed them seperately until one of them 'cracked' and dobbed on the others. The police are going tomorrow to the school. The phone will be long gone by then.

I have made 2 payments on a 2-year contract- therefore I will be paying the whole $450 for a phone that doesn't exist and daughter will have no phone. Fucking bastard cunt assholes!!!!

I am so tempted to find out where they live.... it would not be hard.

Blue-haired daughter

2006-08-07T13:32:00.000+10:00

Side view of daughter with faded blue hair. She has had it re-blued since.

Ellie in flight!

2006-08-07T13:29:00.000+10:00

This is Ellie at Sydney Park in full flight after colleting her tennis ball. She's tennis ball obsessed. She can't catch the ball like other dogs but she loves to go and get it when you throw it. Missy pretends to like it, but she gives up after a while. She can never outrun Ellie.

Flower

2006-08-07T13:15:00.000+10:00

This is a pic of the 'flower' of the plant that mum gave me for my birthday (in May). They are still in the pots they arrived in. Mum was going to plant them but then she moved out.

More Missy!

2006-08-07T12:56:00.000+10:00

Missy again!

What are these called again? Wet-the-beds?

2006-08-07T12:49:00.000+10:00

I took this photo too, in case I might like to draw a flower. (It was the only flower I have in my garden!). I like the photo- nice and crisp with contrasting out-of-focus background.

The Boyfriend

2006-07-16T20:07:00.000+10:00

I am in the unenviable position of living with a 14 year old daughter who is in posession of a 15 year old boyfriend. They see each other all day at school then talk for hours on the phone. They say 'I love you' and kiss each other goodbye! Ewwww! The boyfriend is very polite and serious. He wears black nail polish and calls her, like, 15 thousand times a day. I don't even bother answering the phone anymore! They're both tall and stick thin- it's a wonder they don't chip some bones or something when they hug!

The boyfriend's family seems very regimented- they have dinner at 6:00pm and then the KITCHEN IS CLOSED! No food until breakfast! Once the BF was around here... he was staying for dinner but we hadn't got around to ordering the pizza early enough and his dad came to pick him up before the pizza arrived. The BF said, "Oh well, I can eat at breakfast". I thought he was joking until daughter told me about the KITCHEN CLOSED! rule. OMG! So even if he misses out on dinner when it was entirely NOT his fault, he's not allowed to have anything to eat! Weird! Apparently he sneaks food out and goes up to the park to eat it when he's hungry!

Each to their own, I guess.

WW again

2006-07-16T19:58:00.000+10:00

I am thinking of going back to Weight Watchers.

Cons? Expensive, time consuming going to meetings, hate 'watching' what I eat, not really designed for extreme weight loss/overeaters, embarrasing being the fattest one there all the time, I always give up at around 6 months and can't maintain it, blah, blah, blah.

Pros? I always lose weight and feel healthy when I go to WW.

Hmmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Drawings

2006-07-16T19:49:00.000+10:00

Well actually it is drawing, singular. Just one drawing, but 5 different shots of it. This is my first attempt as drawing since about 1987... or about 19 years! Not perfect, but I am surprised it turned out as good as it did. I used Stabilo CarbOthellos- basically coloured charcoal!- for anyone who is interested in the medium.

It's fun and relaxing! Now I have to find something else to draw by next Saturday!

2006-07-16T19:47:00.002+10:00

Ellie5

2006-07-16T19:47:00.001+10:00

Ellie4

2006-07-16T19:47:00.000+10:00

Ellie3

2006-07-16T19:46:00.000+10:00

Ellie2

Art

2006-07-09T06:50:00.000+10:00

As I start typing this, the clock reads 6:47am. Very early, Sunday morning. I am comfortable in the knowledge that I can go back to sleep whenever I want to.

I have more or less decided that I need to start applying for AP jobs at the end of this year. I hate the thought of not being at my school next year, but I just have to do it.

Mum has moved out- is living temporarily at Nanna Joy's house, which hasn't sold since she died last year. She is there until about September and then she moves into her new house at Nelson Bay. What a strange turn of events that turned out to be. Still, it will be good to have a 'holiday house' to visit! She can afford to buy it- I just hope she can afford to live there.

I have done my first artwork in 18 years- a drawing of a photo of Ellie. Genevieve started going to Art classes a few months ago and she encouraged me to go too. I am amazed I can actually still draw! The teacher has introduced me to 'CarbOthello's' (basically coloured charcoal in a pencil) and I'm drooling over the 68 colour set in the wooden box. Unfortunately I don't have $150 laying around to spend on art materials. Bum.

Currently I am very broke. My expenditure is exceeding my income. By lots. I am hoping for some relief when I get my tax done. Also, the Department owe me 9 weeks of 'Acting up' pay for all of Term 2. The bastards will no doubt give it to me in a lump sum and then I will get taxed to the hilt.

Survived first week of school, 2006!

2006-02-03T17:51:00.000+11:00

And I am mostly intact!

Had a bit of a 'thing' in my first exec. meeting. Basically, I suggested something that was not what the boss was wanting, and my two colleagues didn't back me up- despite the fact that they agreed with me the day before when we were discussing the issue. It was like they are scared to have a different opinion. So I was left swinging in the breeze...

But fuck it. At least I have the guts to say things, even when the boss doesn't agree. Fuck them all!

Obviously, this issue is still pretty raw, otherwise I'm sure I wouldn't even be mentioning it! I got a bit teary afterwards, but I ran away and hid in my room for a bit until I was OK. I hate that! I hate being all girly and emotional when you want to be all objective and professional!!!

Fantasy!

2006-01-28T21:08:00.000+11:00

This is a pic of my new quilt cover I ordered!Yey!

Snap!

2006-01-28T20:58:00.000+11:00

I'm out of my bad mood today for some reason. I wander around for days in this black, boiling cloud of intolerance, resentment and self-hatred and then just like that! *snap* It's gone for today and I feel like myself again.

Last day of holidays tomorrow! I hate, hate, hate this day! I feel so sick about the amount of work I should have done, but haven't. I didn't even go into work for ONE SINGLE DAY during these holidays! And now the 'back to work' day is bearing down on me like a bullet train and I'm trying to stop it with a spider's web.

I caught myself wishing I could have a broken arm or leg to delay going back to school. What a sick puppy I am!

Truth In Blogging

2006-01-28T09:32:00.000+11:00

This morning I had a fight with Partner. Nothing major, really, but ended typically with each of us believing we were 'right' and the other party was 'wrong'. Do I blog about this? Do I do it when I am really angry and might write hurtful, hateful things? Or wait until I have inevitably calmed down therefore risking 'truth'? How come we each can have such a different perception of what's going on? Can we both be right or is there always a right/wrong?

I feel like I 'should' apologise, but I really believe that what I think is true! (ie: I said that she had a certain 'picture' in her head of what the morning would be like, and that she had the shits becasue the 'picture' in my head didn't match). She denied it (of course) and then we both had the shits. She thinks I always 'predict' what's in her head and try to 'tell her' how she feels. OK, she hasa point, but what if I still think I'm right??? I really do think that's what happened! She thinks I'm being 'self-righteous' and that I don't know what she's thinking! It's just so fucked up!

So of course, Partner dropped me at home (we had gone out in her car yesterday and I had decided to stay the night). I was so angry when I got home... I said to mum, "Why don't you have the fucking air-conditioning on? It's so fucking hot already!". She said she had just woken up, so I turned it on, went into my study and shut the door. I have my music on loud and I just don't want to speak to her! I know that I was angry because of the fight with Partner, but I couldn't help myself.

I seem to have a lot of spiders in my house at the moment. Big, hairy ones... I think they are Hunstman spiders. Everytime I move something, one runs out from underneath! Luckily I'm not arachnophobic, but still, I'm not that keen on having so many of them inside. I would rather spiders than cockroaches, though!

I'm thinking of getting the house sprayed, but my friend Melissa said she wasn't going to get hers done anymore... too many chemicals. I would like to not do it, too, but what about the bugs? I have seen some of those german cockroaches- the kind of skinny ones- and I certainly don't want an infestation of those!!! Once when I lived in the cockroach capital of Australia, (Newtown), I had plagues of them and they set up home in the Microwave! (In the back of the microwave there are lots of little cockroach-sized spaces for them to get in. Someone told me they like the warmth of the globe or something). Still, even the radiation from the microwave didn't kill them! (Sometimes, one would come wandering out AFTER something had been cooked in there... still alive). Of course, it's a wonder that the humans survived, with all the cockroaches and then the spraying for the attempted killing of them. There's some saying that for every 1 you see there's 10,000 you don't see... or some astronomical nuber like that. 'They' say that cockroaches would survive a nuclear war. I tell you what, I'd believe it.

So what do you do if you want to be all environmentally friendly and not use chemicals, but there is an established plague of spiders and a posse of cockroaches trying to take over?

Not so good today.

2006-01-27T01:11:00.000+11:00

Today I said I was sorry to Daughter, and she said she was sorry, too. And I am- really. I am sorry that I fuck up so many times and that she has to live with the fallout. I feel like by the time I get myself together it will be too late for her- that it's already too late. He whole childhood fucked up by a self-harming, Borderline personality, unmaternal mother. I'm sure in the future, some therapist will be grateful for the income I have unwittingly provided! Poor Daughter.

I went shopping today and found a quilt cover I liked, but it was not in the right size, so I had to order it in. Then I found one I liked better online, so I will have to cancel the other order. Ho Hum. Tomorrow is the last weekday left of the holidays. I am supposed to go into school and organise my room, but fuck it. I just don't want to.

Self-hatred?

2006-01-25T20:53:00.000+11:00

Had a huge fight with Daughter this afternoon. Ended up cutting. Haven't done this for a long time. I didn't really have anything 'good' to cut with as I was in my room... couldn't really go fishing around looking for a razor in front of Daughter and Mum... don't think they would have liked that! So anyway... result is a few pathetic scratches.

The cutting is not about attempting suicide, it's about pain relief. Which I know sounds wierd- causing pain to get relief from it. But it's about emotional pain, not physical pain. And for me it's something to do with releasing pressure. When I get that angry, white angry, I have to cut to release the pressure or I feel like I will explode. I know it's not literal, but it feels connected to blood pressure.

The anger I felt has gone off the boil, but it's still there simmering underneath. I know it's 'pre-menstrual' time. But is that really to blame? Perhaps it's a combination of things- PMT, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression... it's all linked anyway. The anger, cutting, overeating, depression- all of these things have a common denominator: SELF HATRED.

What happened to me that I hate myself so much?

I cannot think of anything that could justify such self-loathing, but really- that's what it's all about.

I say that the Depression is a chemical imbalance, that the PMT is just that, that my sleep disorder is a separate issue, that my weight battles and overeating are separate things... but the more I think about it, they are all linked. Sleep deprivation causes depression, depression causes sleep disorders. PMT causes anger, frustration, resentment and then guilt, depression. Boderline Personality disorder causes all these symptoms- depression, irrational anger. Overeating is a symptom of depression, self-hatred. It all links. It all makes sense! Well, as much as any of it can make sense to anyone!

Compulsions

2006-01-25T13:08:00.000+11:00

compulsion

*Uncontrollable thoughts or impulses to perform an act, often repetitively, as an unconscious mechanism to avoid unacceptable ideas and desires which, by themselves, arouse anxiety; the anxiety becomes fully manifest if performance of the compulsive act is prevented; may be associated with obsessive thoughts.

*An urge to do or say something that might be better left undone or unsaid

*An irresistible impulse to perform an irrational act

*An irresistible impulse to act, regardless of the rationality of the motivation

*An act or acts performed in response to such an impulse.

compulsive

*Caused by or suggestive of psychological compulsion; "compulsive drinking"

*strongly motivated to succeed [syn: determined, driven] n : a person with a compulsive disposition; someone who feels compelled to do certain things

*Caused or conditioned by compulsion or obsession.

*A person with behavior patterns governed by a compulsion.

*One who is subject to a psychological compulsion

I found all these definitions on an online dictionary. The other day when Melissa visited, we were talking about our eating 'disorders' and basically, I am a compulsive overeater. I can answer 'yes' to EVERY indicator question on the Overeaters Anonymous site! I don't just need to diet, or go to weight watchers, or 'be careful' about what I eat... I'm talking a serious disorder/disease. No wonder nothing has worked so far!!!

Here are the OA questions:

1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?

5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

I can seriously answer 'yes' to all of these! So now what???

RAMS suck!

2006-01-20T16:59:00.000+11:00

Worked out today that RAMS have been trying to take out PARTNER's mortgage payment from MY account! Bastards! They have been unbelievably incompetent! We have told them and told them and told them, on the phone AND in writing, and they just keep on fucking up!!! Three times they tried, and the credit union has charged me THREE $15 dishonour fees!!! When I rang the fuckers they said that I would have to get reimbursed for the dishonour fees from RAMS!!!

I hate them! The whole fucking, incompetent lot of them!!! Why can't people just do their fucking jobs properly!!!

Freebies

2006-01-20T01:08:00.000+11:00

Scored a nice free meal tonight for Partner's mum's birthday. Partner didn't even have to pay- her (rich) uncle picked up the tab! God he makes my skin crawl.... such a boring wanker! But what can you do? Just smile and nod, smile and nod.

B.O.R.E.D.

2006-01-19T15:02:00.000+11:00

I am so fucking bored.

My EX-Stepfather (yes, my mother divorced her second husband too) used to say, "If you're bored, you must be a boring person".

And then I used to say back to him, "Fuck off you stupid, motherfucker, cunt, dickhead".

No. Of course I didn't! What do you think I am? Some sort of Tourette's sufferer?

To Nap or not to Nap?

2006-01-19T13:53:00.000+11:00

It's 2:00 pm. I had around 3 hours sleep last night, as I accidentally stayed awake watching 'The Soprano's' DVD at Partner's. We are up to series 5. There were 3 episodes on the disc and Partner fell asleep before the end of the first one.

Usually, this would signify it's time for me to go home/go to sleep/eat.... but I was naughty and watched the 2nd and 3rd episode while she was asleep. She woke up just as the 3rd one was finishing. I deliberately didn't wake her up because I knew she'd say she was too tired to watch anymore and, as I am a classic I-need-instant-gratification gen-x'er, I let her sleep while satifying my urge for MORE TELLY!!!

I love telly. Well, actually, that's not true. I only love particular shows- but I love that I can get completely absorbed in it and not have to think about my own crappy life! I get to watch someone else's crappy life and then compare it unfavourably to mine, as in: "I'm soooooo lucky I'm not married to Christopher who has a heroin problem, (and accidentally killed my dog by sitting on it while he was smacked out), while I'm being blackmailed by the FBI to give them information on my mafia family".

Phew! My life is really not that complicated after all!

Or, "I'm sooooooo lucky I'm here in my crappy lounge room and not on a seemingly-but-not-really deserted island while I try to find any of my belongings that have survived the plane crash I was just in and then run away from a weird monster thing that I never see while I am 8 months pregnant!"

I'm *so* lucky to be me!

Anyway, I digress again. All this was to say that I only had 3 hours sleep. I had too much dexamphetamine late in the evening trying to stay awake to help Partner put together three- yes THREE!!!- IKEA 'Expedit' display cabinet/bookcase things. My reward was getting to watch Soprano's- and watch it I did! It was 4:30 by the time I went home, but I was so buzzed on the Dex and Diet Coke, (Acutally the new Coke 'Zero'- but who can really tell the fucking difference?), that I heard the 6:30 am news!!

So of course I got up at 9:30 am and cleaned out the garage!!! I am so wide awake it's not funny. The reason it's not funny is because I have to go out tonight!!! And now I think it's TOO LATE to have a nap! Now I have to keep going with the Dex to stay awake while at dinner for Partner's mum's birthday and then drive home.

I did have a panic attack sometime between 4:30 and 6:30 am. Haven't had one of those for a while, but I started thinking about going back to work and my pathetic financial situation and then I couldn't breathe. I thought of cutting (again, this is not something I have thought about for a while) but then I must have fallen asleep. Besides, who the fuck knows where there are any sharp things since I moved?

Too much... or nothing

2006-01-15T00:56:00.000+11:00

These are the two reasons I don't blog. Either I have too much to write (and no time/can't be bothered) or nothing to say. I like the idea of blogging and wish I had the discipline to do it regularly.

I was just online and my laptop is going in-and-out of connectivity (stupid bloody wireless thing) and I said to myself, "If it connects, I'll blog". So here it is then.

Partner and I went to the theatre tonight to see "An Inspector Calls". We had dinner first at the Piermont restaurant and then saw the show. We had a really good night until the end when we were trying to find the lifts to the car park and essentially had an argument over which way to go. So it was all tense all the way home and Partner dropped me off at my place, even though she had brought her things to stay over, 'just in case'.

Still, at least we don't live together anymore- otherwise it probably would have develop into a full-blown battle.

I'm not very impressed about my behaviour or reaction... things have been going so well. We even got through my most recent PMT without any real damage.

I am feeling sick about my finances. I don't even want to write about it. It's too terrifying.

We have been watching 'The Soprano's'. Luckily, Partner has bought the entire 5 seasons. I love it and I don't really know why! Apart from it being excellent drama. It's a show about a Mafia family and 'gangsters'. It repulses me and fascinates me at the same time.

I am still wondering what I am doing with my life... wondering what things I get joy from. Sometimes I can't think of a single thing. It's very scary.

Sultanas, Raisins and Currants?

2005-10-22T19:46:00.000+10:00

Daughter and I watched Supersize me and have made a vow to not to buy any more 'fast food' food- at the very least- NO MORE McDONALDS!!! It's been 2 weeks and we haven't had any, which has to be a good thing.

I am in limbo.... still 4 weeks until we can move. Too early to organise anything really, or pack. There's not really that much to pack anyway. I am only taking my study furniture, and Daughter will be taking the furniture from her room, but apart from a few other bits and pieces, that's about it. Can't buy anything until Partner's 'payout' money comes through, and I think I need measurements of things organised before I can even put deposits on stuff like the lounge, fridge, etc.

I had all these plans to do *urgent* school work today- Daughter was out and Partner is away until tomorrow and I have just done fuck all. Chatted to mum on ICQ, read some of my book, fucked around on the internet. I hate it when I do that.

Daughter and I are supposed to put together the treadmill that Partner bought, but at the moment I feel like I have about enough energy to breathe and that's about it.

I have been wondering lately what the difference is between sultanas, raisins and currants. I mean sultanas are from grapes, right? What about the other two?

Well, here we go....hang on for the ride!

2005-10-05T20:58:00.001+10:00

I signed the contract to buy my house today. It will take a few days for the contracts to be exchanged, then it will be 6 weeks until settlement.

It still doesn't seem real.

Ex, Daughter and I went to Target today and I lay-by'd a whole lot of things that were on sale. Things I have to get like a saucepan set, tea-towels, serving and cooking utensils, a kitchen bin, a good frypan, cushions... just a whole lot of stuff, most of which was on sale.

I am about to start an excel document of all the things I will need to get, (which is just about everything, really!), so I can keep track of what I have and what I need (and what I want!).

Notice I said I am 'about to start'. I have been 'about' to do it all holidays. Though, to be fair to myself, the first week of the holidays was not exactly fun.

Sometimes I worry about how I will service the mortgage and pay all my bills on my own. I guess there's only one way to find out!

70 back view house

2005-10-01T07:40:00.000+10:00

70 back view house
Originally uploaded by meratcha.

My new house from the back! (Again, picture quality not so good!)

1 House RE photo

2005-10-01T07:39:00.000+10:00

1 House RE photo
Originally uploaded by meratcha.

My new house from the front- this is the pic from the Real Estate, so forgive the quality!

Helpful hint #1

2005-09-29T22:40:00.000+10:00

It's very difficult to use your laptop when there is a pug trying to sleep and resting it's head on your hands. Remove pug for best results.

Self-reliance

2005-09-29T22:00:00.000+10:00

Today I paid the holding deposit, arranged the loan and conveyancer and basically everything is just rolling along! The *other* conveyancer will send the contract to my conveyancer tomorrow, (Friday), then my conveyancer will ring me to come and sign it on Tuesday or Wednesday (Monday is a public holiday).

Partner applied to get my name removed from our current mortgage and increase the mortgage amount so she can pay me out.

We'll both be poor, but at least we won't be making each other miserable.

I went to my sisters and when I got home, Partner showed me her brand-new mobile phone which she BOUGHT OUTRIGHT (ie: not on another plan). This pissed me off because:

a) It was the EXACT one I wanted to get and last week when I was at Narellan, I asked them to check how long my plan had to go before I could update my phone... and I could do it at the end of January.

b) I had to scrape together every cent I had to come up with the $750 holding deposit for my house, hence, I have no money left for shopping until payday. Partner said she would loan me the money, or at least I could owe her for half of the shopping until next week. So it really shits me that she has gone and spent over $300 on a phone, on an IMPULSE. We had a talk today about how she would have to learn to control her spending, but look what she does 5 minutes after I leave?!

This is a reason I am glad I am moving! I will NOT have to trust another adult to be responsible! If I fuck up, then I fuck up on my own and have no-one else to blame. If SHE fucks up, then at least it won't affect me. Still, after I sign the contract, there's another 6 weeks at least before settlement.

Lazy blogging

2005-09-29T08:07:00.000+10:00

Lazy blogging refers to the fact that I just 'cut and pasted' this from the email I sent mum last night!

We went to have another look at the house- the owners were not home, so we got to have a real good look around and take some more pictures!

Anyway, I had seen on the online site that there was going to be another 'open house' for it this Saturday and Sunday.

When we got there, the Real Estate guy (Richard) said that the owner was now going to go to a single price after the open house- which was $295,000. (The range was $270-$310). He said originally they had it ranged at $310-$340, but the owner had come down in price as they had now found a house they wanted to buy and just wanted to sell it. Apparently it was an investment property for them, and was tenanted, but when the tenants moved out, they decided to move in until they sold it and could buy their new place.

Anyway, today I asked them if they would accept $285,000. (Thinking they wouldn't and that we would have a week or two of haggling over the price!) AND, this evening Richard phoned and said that my verbal offer has been accepted!!!

I need to put a 'holding deposit' of point 25% (which is just over $700) to 'secure' it and then it cannot be sold to anyone else, even if they offer more money!

I couldn't believe it when Richard said he would accept it... I was expecting them to say no, that they wanted the $295,000 and then I would have to pretend that I wasn't going any higher and see what happened.... but apparently the owners have their heart set on their 'dream home' and would have accepted $290,000 but don't want to miss out on THEIR new home for the sake of $5,000!

So, I get to have the house for $285,000!!!

Partner and I are going to RAMS in the morning to make sure they can loan me the rest of the money and to sort out about THIS house (ie: I have to have my name taken off this mortgage before I can get another one...). Then I have to put the holding deposit on the other house!

I can't believe they said yes!

I can't believe it was so quick!!!

Here is a pic of the new house:

Big things afoot...

2005-09-28T23:52:00.000+10:00

OK, now it's the *next* holidays, after I wrote the last post about it being the last day of the last holidays. In other words, I have not written a thing on my blog for the whole of term 3, or 10 weeks. Wow. Such a long time, but really no time at all.

Big things have happened. Partner's nan died last Tuesday (20th September) and I can't write anymore about it just yet, because she was more like a real nan to me than my own nan and I loved her very much. I need some more distance, though as it's still very raw- just 2 days after the funeral.

Partner's Nan went into hospital on the same day as Partner and I finally decided that it was time to move on. Saturday the 17th of September. During this time, I have somehow managed to find a new house and we are going to RAMS tomorrow to sort out all the details so I can put a holding deposit on my new house!!!

I can hardly believe it myself! Everything just seemed to fall into place. We are being very amicable and rational about the whole situation. Partner came with me to look at the house both times and we have been getting along better, (now that we've made the decision), than we have for a long time. I'm not sure if that's due to the fact that Partner hasn't been here basically since we decided (with the funeral and all), so we haven't really seen each other much and the times we've been together have been focussed on getting through the funeral. Partner came home this morning, we went to have a look at my new house, went out for lunch and the three of us actually had a pleasant time and have had an entire day without any arguing or fighting! Amazing.

Last Day of holidays Tomorrow! (Sunday, 17th July)

2005-07-17T01:37:00.000+10:00

Yes, again it's that time.

The time where I get all depressed and irritable and want to be by myself a lot.

Actually, that happens once a month, if you know what I mean. This time it seems worse as I have the End Of Holidays Syndrome and Pre-Menstrual Tension happening AT THE SAME TIME.

You are lucky you are not living with me.

Apart from that, Partner has pretty much moved into her study. It was me that wanted this. I have no idea whether this relationship is going to last or not. I am reading a book called, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay: A step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship". I have only read the first little bit, so it hasn't told me whether to stay or go yet.

My fantasy is that we could sell this house and get two small townhouses next door to each other and then we could have a gate in the fence between the yard so the dogs could go back and forth and we could all live happily ever after. Partner would not have to discipline Daughter, and Daughter would not have to perceive Partner as the 'evil stepmother'. Partner and I could 'date' and have fun without all the emotional crap that goes on. We could have our own space so I won't feel claustrophobic. We could do our own finances so I won't feel resentful if Partner gets into debt and she is free to spend whatever she wants without being nagged. It really is the perfect solution.

I did an IQ test online the other week. It was interesting as it came out that I'm in the top 15% of the population. I'm sure I would not have thought it was as good if I came out with a score below the average! Not sure how valid the test is, but still...I felt good about it!

Had such a fun day with my sister the other day! We should make more of an effort to hang out together regularly, rather then once in a blue moon. Then again, maybe that 's what makes it so much fun, that we DON'T see each other all the time.

Last term, I was relieving Assistant Principal for 5 weeks. Part of me thinks I could do that job with my eyes closed and the other half of me thinks I would suck at that job. What I want is to have the job AT MY SCHOOL! I am just too comfortable to leave right now, and I know I would have to leave to get an AP job. It would definitely mean going back on class too, and I'm not sure I want to do that just now either. Although I might not have a choice- it might turn out that I have to go back on class next year anyway. It's all so up in the air.

Real life examples!

2005-05-14T21:58:00.000+10:00

I was looking in the cupboard for something to cook (surprising, I know, but that's what I was doing) and I called out to Daughter to see if she wanted to come out and help me cook something. She said "Uh, no, not really" in that way that only teenagers can. First, I thought I'd plead, use 'emotional blackmail' to get her to come and help. (I didn't really need help, just wanted company). My next thought was to sulk and have the shits with her. After that, I stopped and analysed what I was thinking.

A) I asked if she wanted to help, she said no. Fair enough. She didn't want to. That's OK, sometimes I don't want to do things if someone asks me if I want to. She answered the question honestly.

B) She doesn't have to help me. She doesn't have to want to. She doesn't have to provide me with company when I'm cooking.

c) It was my choice to cook- I didn't have to either. If I was really bored while I was cooking, I could have decided not to.

And, after that, I just got on with it- without being shitty, sulking or anything else. Woo hoo!

2005-05-14T17:02:00.000+10:00

I have not had a fight with Partner since I went to that weekend conference and started reading that "Change your thinking" book. This is weird!

My 'old' inclination would be to think "It's just a phase, it won't last. You'll go back to your old habits of blaming, victiming, criticising, taking things personally, getting defensive, being angry, etc, soon"

The part of me that is challenging my old patterns of thought is saying "Of course you won't go back to being like that. Why would you? You have changed the old patterns and there's no reason to think like that anymore".

I think I know who I'd like to win that debate!

The curse of the petrol station...

2005-05-11T20:35:00.000+10:00

I have survived! Three times I have been to the petrol station and have NOT bought any bad things!

This is major... I mean, I used to always get a Magnum and a Chokito! A few times a week! It just became a habit and I could not get petrol without buying an ice-cream or a chocolate bar (usually both!).

I am a bit pissed of with the Healthy Body Club forum, so I have set up my own. I think that AJ (who is now a size 12!) has forgotten what it was like when she was 110kg. Everyone on the forum talked about doing the Mother's Day Classic! That is a FUN RUN! (Two words that never appear in the same sentence in my vocabulary!) Then there's all the talk about going to the 'pump class' at the gym! The thought of going to a gym just makes me feel sick!

I have only been walking twice, which is not good. I do not know how to fit it into my day... I already get up between 5-5:30 am... if I get up any earlier I might as well not go to sleep at all! Partner and I have decided that one or the other of us should be home by 4:30 so that Daughter is not left along for too long. She is allowed to 'do her own thing' (as in play the Sims or go on Mod The Sims forum- which is ALL she likes to do lately!) until 4:30 and then she has to do her homework. So, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday are my 'early' days for going home. Partner will do Wednesday (when I have a staff meeting) and Fridays.

So, in terms of walking? After dinner? I don't think so. I still sometimes need to sleep when I get home, so no walking then. People say "If it's important enough, you'll find the time".

Obviously, it's just not important enough yet!

I ate some veggies tonight too! (Though, I really didn't enjoy my dinner... wasn't really that hungry...but I 'forced' myself to have it). I also had a bowl of 'light' ice-cream (left over from when Daughter cooked a mother's day dinner with dessert) with Cottee's 'Diet' chocolate topping. Not a great choice, BUT, light years away from what I *used* to eat!

So.... doing OK. Could be better, but I'm closer to 'best' than I am to 'worst', if that makes sense!

Puggy Playgroup

2005-04-30T20:45:00.000+10:00

We went to our Puggy Playgroup this morning. It's on the first Saturday of every month. What a surprise I got to discover when we got there that it was actually still the 30th of April and the first Saturday of May is, in fact, next week!

Oh well. We had fun anyway. We had very yummy chicken foccacia with baby spinach and sundried tomato. They don't put butter and the foccacia bread is quite thin, so it's not so bad. At least, it was the best choice there. I am pleased that I didn't have any lemon and lime tart or Byron Bay cookies.

Swim, swim, swim, hey Mel?

Beliefs and their consequences!

2005-04-29T21:03:00.000+10:00

I have been reading this stuff about 'Thinking' in that book I mentioned "Change Your Thinking" by Sarah Edelman. She talks about the fact that, in general, people in the Western world have low frustration tolerance levels, because 'we' are used to and expect to have our needs met most of the time. She also says that it is negative patterns of thinking that often cause us to experience low frustration tolerance and anger. I thought this was very interesting.

Common beliefs that cause Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT)

My life should be easy and comfortable. I should get what I want.
I shouldn't have to endure hassles.
I can't stand doing things I don't enjoy.
It's awful when things go wrong, or when people don't do the right thing.
I shouldn't have to experience stupidity, incompetence or poor service from others.
Things should never go wrong in my life.
Because I don't like certain things, I shouldn't have to put up with them.

Common Beliefs that Cause Anger

People should always do the right thing (or what I believe is right).
The world should be fair, and people should always behave ethically and decently.
I should always be treated fairly.
I shouldn't be inconveinenced or put out as a result of other people's actions.
I people do the wrong thing, they are horrible people and deserve to suffer for their 'sins'.

Aren't these the beliefs that I have when I feel frustrated/angry with situations and people? Of course, if I believe that things should always go my way, then I WILL feel frustrated when they don't! If other people don't do 'the right thing', when I percieve that things have gone wrong for me, when I have to do something I don't like, of course I get irritated, frustrated, angry!

Now, here's the kicker.
Where do these beliefs come from? Why do I believe that things should always go my way, that people should always do and say what I want them to, that life should always be comfortable and hassle free?

Because the truth is- these beliefs are not true!

Still feeling good!?

2005-04-28T22:03:00.000+10:00

Yes, it's true. I have been eating Healthy Food for 4 days now and am still feeling good about it!

And, miracle of miracles, I COOKED something tonight and it was edible!!! (In fact, it's good enough that I am willing to eat the leftovers for lunch tomorrow!)

I am actually feeling a weird sensation. I think it might be 'happiness'. Or 'glad to be alive'. At least, I'm not feeling depressed/angry so it's got to be something akin to being happy!

My negative voice says: "Oh you just wait. That bubble will burst and you'll go crashing down like a tonne of bricks". But I am telling that voice to just fuck off already.

I am reading a book called "Change Your Thinking" by Sarah Edelman. Now, don't you go thinking I've gone all 'soppy-hippy-hippy-self-help-god-is-love' on you, because I haven't. I can't stand that crap. (See, that just proves it. No soppy-hippy-hippy-self-help-god-is-love type of person would say that). It's basically Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and the premise is that if you change the way you think about things, then you can change the way you feel and behave. I like the way it's written- very down to earth and used real examples and it makes sense! (Which is what you want in a book).

Woo- Hoo! Feeling Good!

2005-04-27T21:46:00.000+10:00

This is the 3rd day that I have been 'doing' the Healthy Body Club forum.

I am proud of the fact that:

1. I have been for a walk!
2. I went to the petrol station to fill up my car and DID NOT buy anything!!!
3. I went out to dinner for Partner's Nan's 80th birthday and I ate like a normal person (ie: I didn't deprive myself!) BUT the point of this is that I WENT STRAIGHT BACK to healthy eating this morning. I didn't wallow in the 'I'm-a-failure-I-can-never-stick-to-a-diet-woe-is-me' scenario. I ddin't KEEP EATING junk. I just went back to HEALTHY EATHING straight away!

2005-04-18T21:43:00.000+10:00

Today I ate:

Half box of 'Potato in a biscuit' crackers with Philadelphia cream cheese at around 2:00 pm.

Numerous cups of tea. (milk, no sugar)

Chinese meal (at about 6:30 pm) consisting of:

sweet corn and crab soup
mixed entree (3 deep fried things)
boiled rice
satay prawns
sizzling beef in special sauce
honey chicken
choy sum with oyster sauce
deep fried duck in plum sauce (only had one bit of this, but didn't like it)

1 Heaven 'Cookies and Cream' ice cream

and I am really, really fighting the urge to go have another ice cream.

*sigh*

.... and the loser is..... me!

2005-04-18T07:30:00.000+10:00

It took me, oh, about 35 seconds after I woke up this morning to sabotage my 'new' healthy eating thinking.

The Introduction talks about going to your fridge/cupboard and throwing out ALL the biscuits, chips, ice-cream, junk food, yada yada yada, in the house.

OK, so I was in bed. Not the time to have a throw out frenzy, as it would involve getting out of bed. That was my excuse anyway.

In my handbag was half a chocolate bar. "Half? Why half?", I hear you say. Well, I guess this indicates how much of an eating disorder I have! We had been away overnight, and along with other junk food I had for breakfast on Saturday, I bought one of the new Cadbury Boost bars, because, well, you know, in case I couldn't get any at the hotel! But, we were with Partner's nan (the reason we went- for her 80th birthday) so I couldn't very well eat chocolate bars in front of her! So I had to sneak it and I only got the chance to eat half of the bar! So, that other half was calling me during the night and after reading the Introduction where it talks about cleaning out your fridge/cupboard, I thought to myself, 'Well, she didn't mention anything about your handbag!' and I had the thing in my mouth before I could change my mind. You know, the quicker you eat it, you can convince yourself that it doesn't really count!

I am a secret eater. That is, I eat junk by myself. That’s because it doesn’t count if no one sees you! Of course, you can’t be fat if people only ever see you eating healthy things! Ha! How I trick myself! I wonder what people at work think when they only ever see me eating my ‘Lite and Easy’ lunches. I wonder if they think, “Gee, she must have some kind of metabolic disorder, she hardly eats anything!”

I eat when I am not hungry- in fact, I am rarely hungry. Yesterday, we had a huge breakfast- a continental ‘all you can eat’ breakfast at the hotel. My favourite ....

(Blogger had lost the rest of this post! I hate that!!! I will have to finish it later...have to sleep!!)

"The Lazy Girl's Guide to Losing Weight and Getting Fit" by AJ Rochester

2005-04-18T05:47:00.000+10:00

I bought this book yesterday and started reading it last night. I read her first book (Confessions of a Reformed Dieter) and loved it to bits! Of course, after I read it I was completely motivated for a few weeks, but time goes on, motivation wanes and of course the fat just piles on and on. So, after hearing an interview on the radio with AJ, I remembered how fabulous she was and got motivated all over again.

Reasons I love her:
1. She was about as fat as me (not like some weight loss 'leaders' that have lost a whopping 10 kg. I could lose that from my little finger).
2. She's fucking funny.
3. She tells it like it is- warts and all! (If you've read the first book, you'll know what I mean!)

My Pathetic Excuses:
1. It's too hard.
2. I have failed in every single other effort to keep the wieght off (I have succeeded in losing the weight- over 20 kg at times- but have never managed to keep it off).
3. It's too hard when there are other people in the house who buy junk food (chocolate, take away, biscuits, ice cream, etc)
4. I don't care enough about myself to do it.
5. My partner is bigger than me so it doesn't matter anyway (doubly pathetic, I know, but it's true- horrible as it is!)
6. I can't do it!!!!
7. I have to give up all the things I like to eat (bad things) and eat all the things I don't like (good things!).
8. Who has time to excercise?
9. I can still cut my own toenails, so it can't be that bad.
10. I can still 'fit' in the bath sheet (just!), so it can't be that bad!
11. I'm too tired to bother.
12. I can't be bothered with food/cooking/fat content/calories...etc.
13. If I lose weight I will have to buy new clothes...who can afford that?

OK...that's enough for now!

Supernanny, dogs and holidays

2005-04-11T19:21:00.000+10:00

I am sitting here on my comfortable, (but conservative and daggy), recliner. Princess Pollywaffle is laying along the arm rest, providing me with a warm and furry rest for my left arm. Missy Tim Tam is on the footrest part between my knees. Ellie Paddlepop and Dudley Donut are in their crate, because they are naughty and would not settle down, preferring instead to pretend the lounge room is some kind of indoor speed-skating ring as they take the corners sliding on two paws.

The two Pekingese, Nikki Bokker and little 3 month old Hugo Boss have disappeared somewhere, which certainly means they are up to no good. They were joining in the speed-skating antics until they were curtailed. Hugo likes to grab onto the loose end of Dudley's collar and then let his body flop on the ground, providing no resistance and acting like a fluffy dry mop on the tiled floors as he is dragged around and around.

I am just about to watch a show called Supernanny, which I have never seen before. I am filling in time for an hour until the new season Law and Order begins.

Partner has gone out for dinner with some work friends, Daughter is in her room playing the Sims. I have just bribed her to make me a cup of tea by giving her some Fantails. I have been steadily eating the Jumbo sized packet since this afternoon. I am surrounded by Fantail wrappers.

I think I will make it my goal to put on the 5kg or so I have lost over the last 6 months in two weeks. I reckon that's a pretty easy goal- very achievable! That's just under 400 grams a day! Easy! I mean, really, I might as well be honest- make it a goal! It's going to happen anyway.

Today is Monday. I have 14 days before I have to go back to work. I feel sick already.

I hate you... don't leave me!

2005-03-26T14:20:00.000+11:00

That is the title of a book I own. It's subtitle is 'Understanding the Borderline Personality'. It's about me. Above the title it says 'Violent mood swings... Chronic Depression... Self-Destructive Tendencies...' That's my life in three short phrases.

People with Borderline Personlity Disorder (BDP) typically suffer from: Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, Impulsiveness in potentially self-damaging behaviours, Severe mood shifts, Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger, Recurrent suicide threats or gestures or self-mutilating behaviour, Lack of a clear sense of identity, Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom, Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

These 8 'criteria' are from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or DSM as it's commonly known. It has been re-written a few times, and has a Roman Numeral after it the title to indicate the edition) Anyway, for one to be diagnosed as 'having' BPD, there has to be a minimum of 5 of the 8 criteria present. I have all 8.

Here is some 'proper' information from a psych website:
(http://allpsych.com/disorders/personality/borderline.html)

Borderline Personality Disorder

I can't believe it! You're taller than your mother now!

2005-02-19T05:42:00.000+11:00

I went to the funeral in the end, even though I had sworn to myself that I would never go to another one ever again after the last one. And even though it was horrible, and completely gut-wrenching and heart-breaking, I'm glad I went. People loved Nanny Joy. Her eldest son spoke beautifully about her life, his voice breaking all the way through the speech. Then her 6 grandchildren, ranging in age from 10 to 30, all read parts of her favourite poem, 'Footprints in the sand'. I'm sure you know the one. Nanny Joy believed in God, but did it without all the man made religious trappings. She read her bible, but did not preach at you. She did not go to church, but she had a relationship with her God that did not require that. She just lived what she believed.

Nanny Joy's lifelong relationship with her only sibling, her sister Edna, (my biological nanna), was epitomised in the story of a little bike with a side-car they had when they were young. Edna got to ride the bike, while Nanny Joy was always in the side-car. Nanny Joy never had a turn of riding the bike with Edna in the side-car, though she did tell us than when Edna wasn't around, she'd sometimes hop on that bike and ride it all by herself! I love that story! They were the classic 'chalk and cheese'- completely different, yet they spoke to each other twice a day, every single day. Nanny Joy's son's reckon that they kept Telecom, (as it was back then!), in business since the day they both got telephones!

After the funeral, we all went to the little 'tea house' cottage at the crematorium for 'refreshments'. Then most of us went back to one of her son's houses- and that was the part where everyone caught up with each other and we all told our stories of growing up with Nanny Joy and all the 'children' got tired of hearing, "Oh my goodness! I can't believe you're 10/13/26/etc" from all the adults. It's funny that all of us used to get sick of hearing that at family gatherings and now the circle's come around again, and it's 'us' that are saying it to the next generation.

Goonight, my Nanny Joy.

2005-02-15T17:51:00.000+11:00

Nanny Joy died peacefully early this morning. We are all so relieved that she didn't have to suffer for a long time. I hope with all my heart that she's in a better place. She deserves it.

Just to lighten the tone...

2005-02-14T21:02:00.000+11:00

Seen, amongst crying and/or worried parents hanging around in the playground after their child went INSIDE the classroom on the FIRST DAY of kindergarten, a woman, punching the air in a whoop of unbridled joy, saying "Woo hoo!!! Freeeeeeeedom!!" as she walked out of the school gates!

Now that's MY kind of parent!

Cel's three questions! (Finally!)

2005-02-14T19:08:00.000+11:00

The following are questions that Cel asked me as part of a Meme thing AGES ago!

Three Questions:

1. - If you could have only one wish for your daughter, what would it be? And for yourself? (hah! fit it into one!)

2. - An old wives' tale says that when you have children, you get the same type of child that you were (talk about un-grammatical!). What were you like as a child (and teenager), and does your daughter fit with this description?

3. - If you had the chance to go into the future, or go back in time, which would you choose, and why? Would you want to go for a visit, or to stay there permanently?

Three Answers:

1. My wish for Daughter is probably the same as any other wish that a parent has for thier child. I wish that she has happiness, no matter what she does for her career or who she dates/marries/lives with. I wish that she has a partner that treats her with respect and that she finds some kind of spiritual and emotional fulfilment in whatever she does. I wish for her to have more peace than disharmony in her life and more 'highs' than 'lows'. I wish that she has more health than illness, including mental health. I wish for her to feel loved and appreciated and for her to have a strong sense of 'self'. I wish that she likes, loves and respects herself. I wish that she treat others with the same respect as she would expect to be treated, regardless of whether she likes them or not. I wish that she has a joy for living, a lust for life, if you like!

As for part b) of this question- I think it's too late, but of course I would like all that for me too! (Who wouldn't?)

2. The old wives tale doesn't seem to apply here! Daughter seems very different than I was as a child/teenager. I was a very quiet and painfully shy child who turned into a sullen and angry teenager. I had (have?) very low self- esteem and in my late teens used sex as a substitute for love. (Though I only figured this out in hindsight, of course). I thought that if boys 'wanted' me, then I must be worth loving, or worth something, at least. I had huge 'love and belonging' needs that were never fulfilled and tended to like boys who liked me (that was my only criteria!). Daughter has much better self-esteem than I did, but she is also more outgoing and more stubborn. She enjoys public speaking and acting, something which would have me nauseous and vomiting if I ever had to speak in front of the class or be in a play or otherwise be in the 'limelight'. Daughter is a talented piano player and plays by ear. She can listen to a melody line from a song and repeat it on the piano. She is also academically gifted and really doesn't have to work very hard to achieve outstanding results at school. She is good at everything she does, (except for sport. She hates sports! We are similar in that respect). Academically, I was always only just above average. If I excelled in subjects, it was only if I was really interested in them and had to put in a fair bit of effort. She is creative and artistic. I used to draw, and I guess you could say that I was a bit artistic. Daughter is very sensitive and emotional, more so than I was as a child. She is more empathetic towards people and humankind in general.

Daughter and I also have a different relationship than I had with my mum. When I grew up, it was the 70's. I didn't have discussions with my mother about sex, tampons, masturbation, etc. Daughter has always been encouraged to talk about any of these things, and express her feelings. She has always called me by my name, rather than 'mum'. I don't say, "Daughter, could you please feed the dogs?", so why should she say, "Mum, can I have some money?". 'Mum' just describes my relationship with her, but it's not my name! It's just a cultural phenomenon that kids refer to their parents by their 'relationship' and not their name.

We have similar tastes in Music, and she loves all the old 80's and early 90's stuff that I do!

3. Definitely into the future. When I hear people say, "I wish I was 16 again!", I cringe! There's no WAY I'd want to go back there. I found my teenage years painful, lonely, awkward, stressful. No thank you. So, future it would have to be. Though, I am terrified of the future and what it will bring. What kind of world we we live in when 10, 20, 30 years have passed. Our western society's swing to the Right really concerns me. I worry that it's 2005 and I can't even legally marry the person I want to. That there are people starving in a world where so much food is thrown away and so many of us in 'Developed' countries have weight problems. I worry about the interest rate, being able to afford to live, working until I'm 70, retirement and whether I will have enough to live on, accidents, diseases and painful illnesses. Being made immobile through degradation of my body, getting Dementia. Having to go into a Nursing home. Having Partner or Daughter die before I do so that I have to live with the loss. (I don't know how on earth parents live through the death of their child).

So, whether I want to just go visit or stay there permanently really depends, doesn't it? I guess if the visit confirmed all my fears, then I wouldn't want to stay! I know, I worry about all those things that my not even happen. Everyone knows that worry is useless. As useless as Guilt, though I don't have as much of a problem with Guilt than Worry!

Anyway, how's that, Cel? Does that answer your questions sufficiently?

What a heavy post! I will have to think of something funny now to lighten up this blog!

Nanny Joy

2005-02-14T17:24:00.000+11:00

My Nanny Joy is dying. As in, right now. I am expecting a phonecall from my mother this evening or tomorrow. I am surprised it hasn't happened already.

Nanny Joy is not my biological grandmother, but she is my biological grandmother's sister. My mum's aunt, my great-aunt, Daughter's great-great aunt. Regardless of all those titles, she will always be my Nanny Joy. She babysat us when we were little and made us Banana pancakes for breakfast. She took us in when my mum's mum would not. We all lived with Nanny Joy at some stage of our teenaged years when the going got too tough at home. Some of us even lived with her more than once.

She looked after Daughter when I went to work. She raised three boys on her own when her bastard ex-husband left her with his best mate's wife before the last was even born. He stole money from their company, never paid a cent towards the children and never bothered seeing his children again, yet she never complained, she just got on with the job of raising the kids. She went to work, in the days when divorce was scandolous and there was no support for women on their own. She did a good job.

I am glad that she is dying quickly and will not suffer the indignity of living in a semi-vegetative state in some nursing home. I hate how humans do this to their own kind. We are so humane to our pet dogs, yet we unnessicarily prolong suffering of our relatives when there is no quality of life left.

I have cried some, but I am trying to be philosophical about it. She has had a reasonably long life, though has suffered her fair share of illnesses. She has a very kind heart and a nurturing soul and I hope she has less pain and heartache in her next life. Less illness. More love. Less struggling. More Joy.

I love you, Nanny Joy.

Blog ideas

2005-02-07T19:44:00.000+11:00

Found this when I was on a mission to find a Meme. (Yes, Cel, I know I haven't done yours from a million posts back, but I will...)

Anyway, this 'Blog Ideas' site is for when you can't think of anything to blog about, which is kind of weird in a convoluted way. I mean, do you Blog to Blog, or do you Blog when you have something to say?

So... one of the questions I read was, "Have you ever seen a dead body?". I used to be a nurse, so, yes, I have seen dead bodies, and also washed them, closed their eyes, put their teeth back in, dressed them, zipped them in body bags and wheeled them out to the morgue room where they stay until the Funeral Home workers come to collect them.

It's like anything really- you get used to it after a while, but the FIRST one stays with you forever. I remember her name, the room she was in, all the visual details. We knew she was dying and were really just waiting for it to happen. When she finally stopped breathing, the Doctor was called to 'pronounce' the death. They have certain checks they have to do, even though it's quite obvious when a person is dead. Until the Doctor went in there, she just looked as if she was asleep, albiet very quietly. She had her eyelids closed. I was a young student nurse, and was allowed to go in as the 'witness'. (The Doctor always has to have a witness in order to do the checks and pronounce the death).

I remember thinking to myself that she didn't look any different than she did when she was sleeping only a half hour before. The Doctor 'took her pulse', (well, lack of, anyway), and the next check was shining his little torch into her eyes to check for pupil reaction. This was the kicker. There was NO ONE there! It freaked me out, because there was just NOTHING. Where did she go? I mean, I don't believe in organised religions, but what about the soul? She was there, her brain and thoughts and feelings and everything, but then, she was just gone.

I will never, ever get that image out of my head. It doesn't scare me now, but that night my 19 year old self got into bed with my mummy! Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her eyes with no response.

I saw many after that, and don't really remember specific details, but that one- the very first- will be with me forever.

What about you? Have you ever seen a dead body?

This working business....

2005-02-07T19:22:00.000+11:00

..... It's just not for me. It just interferes *way* too much with my life! I mean, look at this, my last post was FOUR days ago, and I have *nothing* remotely entertaining to write about.

I spent 4 hours testing kid's reading levels today. This involves listening to six year olds take about 17 hours to read three words. "Lo...oo.......k a...... a...... a..... t m.......... y. No, hang on, mmmmmm.... m........ e."

Meanwhile, my brain has self imploded from complete and utter frustration and boredom. I know, I'm a big meanie and they can't help it if they can't read. And I did choose to do this job. But still. It drives me nuts.

I think I will go find some meme's to do.

Elephant

2005-02-03T01:46:00.000+11:00

Apropos of previous post about tattoo's, I really want to get an elephant. I love elephants. They are just so, pre-historic! I mean, there's no other creature like them. I love how they live in a Matriachal [Sp? It doesn't look right, but I'm just too lazy to look it up, so let's just get on with it, shall we?] society, and that all the girl elephants in the family share in bringing up the baby elephants. (Like, how good would that be?! *Other* people also responsible for your offspring, and you don't even have to pay them!). They don't even pretend to like the Bull elephants, but just let them hang around long enough to do the whole mating thing, then they tell those Bulls to clear on out of there. If a Bull threatens her baby, a mother elephant will fight to the death to protect her child. They are just so impressive.

Anyway, I want my next tattoo to be an elephant. But, it has to be a nice one. Not a poxy 'cutesy' elephant, but a 'real' one. And not some aggro bull elephant with great big tusks. Definitely a female elephant. Maybe even one with a baby. I think whole body rather than just an elephant head. I think that might look a bit disembodied. So, if you come across any cool pics of elephants like that when you're just really bored and messing around on the 'Net, you could email them to me. Actually, you'd better not. My Anti-virus thingamy would have a conniption. How about URL's of elephant pics. Can you do that?

Then there's the problem of where abouts anatomically to get it. But you don't have to email pics of that! I'll get to thinking while I'm waiting for the perfect pic to find me.

OK. Have to sleep now. It's 1:00 am!!
*Must NOT read book... must NOT read book.... must NOT read book*

Tolerance... or NOT

2005-02-02T23:50:00.000+11:00

Partner and I like to come home and ~~bitch about people at work~~ talk about our respective days over a cup of tea. Yesterday afternoon, I was ~~snarking about~~ discussing a colleauge that had irritated me that day, but qualified it by saying, "She/He is OK, I mean I don't hate her or anything, but he/she just pisses me off for some reason"

D: "Doesn't EVERYONE at your work piss you off?"
C: [Defensively!] "No, of course not! I like everyone at work!"
D: "Except for X'
C: "Well, yeah..."
D: [Pause] "And Y"
C: "Oh, well...OK. yes, Y does piss me off"
D: [Pause] "And Z"
C: "Ummm...."
D: "and L, M, N....."
C: "Oh, ALRIGHT! You can stop now!"
D: "Well.... I'm just saying".

*Names and gender withheld in order to avoid being Dooced.

Begin as you mean to go on

2005-02-02T21:07:00.000+11:00

I have not been online for THREE WHOLE DAYS!

Yes, it's that time again. BACK AT WORK. Where life consists of:

Up at 5:45 am
Eat
Drive
Work all day
Drive
Nap
Dinner
Schoolwork
Domestic chores
Stay up half the night due to not being tired due to nap
Eventually fall asleep at around 2:00 am.
Repeat cycle ad nauseam until next School holidays.

Ink

2005-01-31T01:11:00.000+11:00

Two Tattoos!

The 3rd tattoo I got was of the two 'female' symbols joined together, which is the lesbian symbol. (Duh!) I don't know what the colours look like on your browser, but they are actually purple and green. I got it done at the Celtic Dragon in Newtown, by Kiwi Kim.

The second one I got when Daughter was about 5 years old. Of course, it is totally NOT recommended by most tattooists that people get names done, for obvious reasons. But, she's my baby and always will be even if she's 70 and I'm 82, God forbid! (Really, I don't want to live that long!). It was done by 'Mess' from a place in Darlinghurst that used to be next door to The Piercing Urge, (where I *always* go for piercings), but I can't remember the name of it just now.

My first was very cheap and nasty, when I was 19 and my most recent was about 5 years ago. I would like to get some more.

Do you have any tattoo's? Would you ever get one if you don't? What would you get if you HAD to get one?

New Shoes 2

2005-01-31T01:10:00.000+11:00

New Shoes, different angle!

Look how well they go with our Italian Glazed Porcelain floor tiles!

New Shoes 1

2005-01-31T01:08:00.000+11:00

New Shoes!

Now I feel like a *real* lesbian again! I've got myself some new 'comfortable shoes', and as everyone knows, that's one of the True Signs of being a lesbian! Along with Short Fingernails, which I also own!

This meme thing (I have no idea what meme stands for!)

2005-01-29T14:02:00.000+11:00

I stole this from Cel, because I have absolutely nothing to blog about today as I only just got up! (around 2 in the afternoon!)

1. BOLD anything that is true. (edit: ok, blue, since the bold really doesn't show too well)
2. Leave plain anything that is not true.
3. Explanatory comments in RED.

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love olives
004. I love sleeping. Sleeping is my life!
005. I own a home. Better re-phrased as 'I own a mortgage'.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've done something illegal.
009. I've watched porn movies. I even own some!
010. I have been in a threesome. No, but probably only becasue the opportunity never presented itself!
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. Yes, but not so much the psycho-'Ex', but the psycho-'IN' a past relationship! Maybe even make that 'current' relationship!
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne free skin. When I take the Pill!
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton. I have no idea who this is.
015. I curse frequently. Fuck yes, but only in the right circumstances!
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been to another country. Papua New Guinea (as a Christian missionary when I was about 19! Bizarre!), and New Zealand for my 'honeymoon'.
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart. No, but my daughter is, so I live vicariously.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. No, I pretty much blab everything.
023. I love rain. And cold weather.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. Bloody Oath I would!
026. I need money right now. Well, 'want' is probably more accurate than 'need'.
027. I love sushi. Ewww, no.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning. Like, who does???
030. I have long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister. Two sisters.
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. In Australia.
034. I shave my legs. Yes, I let my dyke/feminist sisters down and succumb to the smoothness of freshly shaved legs. Well, once a fortnight or so anyway, if I can be bothered!
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. I NEVER answer the 'phone without knowing who it is first.
038. I like the way that I look. Fuck no!
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months. Not that I remember!
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic. 'Sometimes' might be more accurate.
042. I have mood swings. Well, let's see... I'm a woman, I'm a Gemini with Libra rising and a Pisces moon, and I take Anti-Depressants for a chemical imbalance in my brain... my whole life is a mood swing!
043. I think prostitution should be legalized. Yes, of course it should!
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on someone. Well, kind of. I was 'seeing' this guy for a couple of weeks, but wasn't sexually attracted to him, and nothing had happened in that department. Let's call him 'K'. His best friend, B, was really, really attractive and I was sleeping, (well, 'fucking' would be more accurate), with him. Meanwhile, K and B were talking and K said to B... you know, I think Chris is a virgin, I mean, she just doesn't seem interested... and then B told K what HAD been happening and then K came up to me, (in a nightclub we all used to hang out in), and went a bit psycho and hit me, but then my sister punched him, and then all my friends stood around looking tough and scared him off and he left. Now, the thing I don't get is that K was angry with me, who he'd hardly known or seen for more than a few weeks, and not with B, who was his best friend. Now, really, that's just ridiculous! Shouldn't he have been pissed off with B, who had been fucking his girlfriend? Anyway, it was a million years ago, and we were all drunk or on drugs all the time, so it doesn't really count. I have never cheated on anyone I was in a relationship with.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I've been sexually intimate with less than ten people.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex. Duh!
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. (When I'm at home!)
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto. Huh?
056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders. Uh, no.
057. I'm obsessed with my ~~Diary~~ Blog.
058. I don't hate anyone. Well, not really anyone I know. I mean, there are people that piss me off regularly, but hate is a pretty strong emotion.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer. I don't do dancing. Ever.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone. And I couldn't survive without it!
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. I don't drink much now, but in the past this may have been true!
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before. Before I had my daughter I had never even held a baby! It was a steep learning curve, I tell you!
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club. Have No Idea who/what this is.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly. Huh?
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger. When I was 19, I 'dated' both a 16 year old and a 42 year old. Not at exactly the same time, but almost.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie. Uh, No Idea.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. If I didn't have to work, sleep, eat, shower, or have a relationship with other people, I would be!
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have been rejected by someone. And it hurts!
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "SOUTHPARK" movie.
086. I have avoided work to play on Xanga.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum. And the funny thing is, he ended up being gay, and I ended up being a lesbian!
088. I enjoy country music. No, but I do LOVE Kasey Chambers!
089. I love my best friend. Would they be your best friend if you didn't love them?
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. Nuh!
091. I occasionally watch soap operas.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. Well, his music, not 'him', if what they say is true. Paedophilia is wrong on so many levels.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story" No Idea.
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. I'm an Australian! We don't *do* Halloween, but if I was American I would love all the free 'candy'.
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex. No, but I have dated an ex's brother!
099. I'm happy as of this moment. More or less.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. I've had a crush on somebody I have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument. No but my daughter does and I live vicariously again.
104. I strongly dislike math. I am soooooo not good at it.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now. If procrastinating were my paid occupation I'd be a multi-billionairre by now.
106. I own and use a library card. I think I signed up for one onece, but never use it.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love." I tend to just be 'attracted' to some people, but I would call it neither 'lust' nor 'love'.
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks. Never had one, but it sounds like something I would like.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "The O.C."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up. I'm not so good at being 'responsible'. I'd rather fuck around on the internet than do 'adult' things like clean the house or pay some bills.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people. Not *entirely*, but yes, I modify according to the situation and what is going to get my needs met!
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world. No idea what that is!
115. I am suffering of a broken heart. Not currently!
116. I am a nerd. Well, I would be if I was smarter! But I love my computer, does that count? Let's just say I have 'nerdish' tendencies and leave it at that.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely. Nah, I have all the people in my head to keep my company!
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I TRY not to change who I am for someone.
120. My heart resides below my feet. What?
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with. Quite a few times, actually.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have had major surgery.
124. I have adopted a pet.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Some people call me by a nickname.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. I like pumpkin pie.
129. I love NASCAR! No idea!
130. I own over 200 CDs
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I've had mono. No idea what this is either!
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm still in my PJs. And it's 4 in the afternoon, on Saturday.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong people, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate. Used to, not any more.
137. I'll try anything three times.
138. Done drugs other than Alcohol or Cannabis.
139. I'm having trouble sleeping. Never! I can sleep anywhere, anytime!
140. I am a cuddler with the right person. I am not naturally affectionate, though I don't dislike cuddling.
141. I love John Waters films. Who?
142. I have made a pornographic videotape. No. Photo's, yes, video, no!
143. I'm a vegetarian. We tried being vegans once. We lasted one day.
144. I am Pagan.
145. I sing WAY more than I should. But only ever in the car, ALONE!
146. I really like the word : "Bazooka"
147. I Like Nuns
148. Been made fun of so much you want to shoot yourself.
149. I am obsessed with Wicked
150. I am in love with sigma phi epsilon brothers!
151. I like someone who I've known for a long time.
152. I think Sirius Black should be a real person.
153. I watch Boiling Points and laugh at the people.
154. Sometimes I'm too passive.
155. My room can't stay clean for longer than a day.
157. I hate leaving the house without a watch on.
158. I have a sick obsession with bean burritos.
159. I own bunny slippers.
160. Band isn't just something to fill the time.
161. I would pee my pants if I did not have Chapstick on me 24/7/365.
162. I have my own car.
163. I love surprises. Surprises unnerve me.
164. I love one of my parents more than the other. My mum, of course!
165. I over analyze everything.
166. I ate cheerios for breakfast.
167. I’m in love with somebody who doesn't want a serious relationship yet.
168. I'm with the most amazing person ever.
169. Had sex without a condom before. And have been bloody lucky!
170. I have the ability to retain my own views and beliefs while accepting other people's and not condemning them for it. Nope. I find it difficult not to condemn people for being homophobic, racist, Christian, discriminatory, warmongering, conservative.... hey, hang on, I'm describing George Bush, or John Howard! Fancy that!

Three of me

2005-01-28T22:24:00.000+11:00

First day of work for 2005 and I was pretty relaxed and stress free, which is good and unusual. I told my boss that I was stepping down as Fed rep, and the first thing she said to me was that after Term 1, I need to start 'putting in my CV'. Three of my personalities then had a fist-fight in my head.

Paranoid Chris immediately thought, "She wants to get rid of me". Confident Chris thought, "Wow, she actually thinks that I could do that job!", and Insecure Chris said, "Oh my God! I can't do that! I'm not good enough to be an AP, and I don't want to go to a new school!"

They're still fighting. I'll let you know who wins.

Too much QAF?

2005-01-27T08:38:00.000+11:00

I just found one of the puppies, (Hugo), frantically trying to suckle the other one's penis.

Obviously, he was confusing his brother's penis with his mother's nipple. Either that or we've been watching waaaay too much Queer As Folk lately.

2005-01-26T18:15:00.000+11:00

Another one at Deb's!

2005-01-26T18:13:00.000+11:00

Trampoline again!

2005-01-26T18:08:00.000+11:00

Trampoline!

2005-01-26T18:07:00.000+11:00

Daughter at Deb's

2005-01-26T17:08:00.000+11:00

Folded Washing. Refer to post below for the reason why I am posting a picture of my washing on my blog!

Folding and Domestic Blindness

2005-01-26T15:13:00.000+11:00

I really like Folding Stuff. I mean, I *despise* all housework because I Have Better Things To Do, but if I had to choose my favourite, it would have to be folding stuff up. Only certain things, though. Things that are parallelograms, like square or rectangle-shaped things.

I really hate folding fitted sheets. When you've finished, they don't look any different from when you started! Folding is TOO GOOD for fitted sheets. They MOCK your folding skills and LAUGH in the face of your efforts to control them! No, they just deserve to get shoved in the drawer just as they are when they come out of the dryer. Like underpants. I mean, really! What is the point of folding them? Mine just go in the drawer in a bunch. They like it like that.

Oh, and don't get me started on those towels where the COTTON stitching shrinks at the ends and you end up with towels that look like they have been elasticised at both ends! Stupid manufacturers. I hate folding those, too, because they do not obey the Neat Folding Rules.

Actually, I had a whole lot of folding to do which Partner had kindly left for me on the lounge. When I'd finished folding them, I asked Daughter to put the things away. In the picture that you will see soon, Daughter is sitting on the left, out of shot.

I ask her to put the folding away and she says, "OK".

Then, a few seconds later, she says, "Oh, God!", in that complaining, make-every-word-into-sixteen-syllables, teenaged way that parents love so much.

I said, "What's the matter?"

And she said, "I thought it was only this stuff here (indicating pile next to her on the lounge), not ALL THAT as well! (indicating pile on the coffee table). I didn't see that!"

Didn't SEE that? What the...? My 'Gifted and Talented' child is certainly gifted in 'Domestic Blindness'.

Queer as...

2005-01-25T22:49:00.000+11:00

At the risk of alienating any lesbian readers I may have, I can't stand bloody, sappy, whiny Lindsay from Queer As Folk! And I don't much like Melanie, either, though she does have some funny lines at times, especially when she's dissing** Brian. OK, OK, so maybe they're just the token lesbian characters, but they're bloody annoying, the pair of them!

I love Emmet the best!

**(Dissing? Did I just say 'dissing' like I *always* go around saying 'dissing'? Except, if I were actually cool, I wouldn't be too anal to leave the 'g' off the end and replace it with an apostrophe, as in: dissin'. But I'm not cool, and I *am* anal, so you get the g).

Storeroom Solutions

2005-01-24T22:42:00.000+11:00

Tomorrow I am GOING IN TO WORK! This can only mean one thing: It's VERY close to the END of the holidays!!!

We arranged this date last year- a bunch of us spend at least one day in the holidays at work getting our rooms/programs/things organised for the year/term ahead. Geez this day came around in the blink of an eye, though!

I was planning to Clean Out My Storeroom. This plan has been somewhat hampered by;

a) The disc in my back still bulging out and pushing on some nerves near my spinal cord, causing pain which makes me want to immediately become a Heroin addict; and

b) IKEA having 'temporarily oversold' a number of items necessary for my NEW ROOM, which means that the 10 or so storage boxes that I was going to use to Clean Out My Storeroom are still being used to STORE the CRAP which will be going BACK INTO my new room, once IKEA have resolved their 'temporarily oversold' issues with the Makael ~~desk~~ Workstation and the Expidit ~~bookshelves~~ Display Units.

So, now I am adjusting my plan so that I will, uh, 'tidy' and 'rearrange' my storeroom, without actually getting all the stuff into the storage boxes I had planned to use. I will be 'Preparing Stuff For The Storage Boxes'. I might even put things into Piles Of The Approximate Size Of The Storage Boxes, so that when the Storage Boxes are available, I can simply transfer Approximately-Sized-Piles INTO Storage Boxes.

Also, I have ~~bribed~~ ~~convinced~~ ~~asked~~ bribed Daughter into coming with me to Help. (After all, what is the point of children if you can't ~~use them as free slave labour~~ ask for some assistance from them once in a while. Anyway, she owes me. Hell, don't think I have FORGOTTEN that 36 hour labour!!!)

2005-01-23T20:06:00.000+11:00

So, since my favourite slippers have been, uh, territorially claimed by Dudley, I have resorted to these intruments of torture: commonly known as masseur sandals.

Really, who's* idea was this? I'd like to poke him/her in the eye with a sharp stick.

* See comments for edits!!! (Thanks, Cel!)

2005-01-23T19:47:00.000+11:00

I went to put on my favourite slippers after my nap this afternoon, only to discover that the Right one was wet! Not just damp, not just a bit chewed on the end, but sogging bloody wet. Now, there is only one dog in our house that can aim that well, so I blame him. Yes, DUDLEY, that's YOU! No treats for you tonight, Mister.

2005-01-23T19:46:00.000+11:00

How cool are these boxes! My sister gave them to me a few years ago and they are waiting to find a spot in my new room, along with the vases below. I love how they have the 6 pride colours!

Blue Vases

2005-01-23T19:38:00.001+11:00

Blue Vases! I love these! They are for my new room when it *finally* gets finished!

If...

2005-01-22T13:50:00.000+11:00

If I wasn't a lesbian and he wasn't married, and if he wanted to marry me, then I'd marry my mechanic! He's just lovely.

And besides, who wouldn't want free car services?

Though the dirty nails would be a significant problem for me.

Here we go again!

2005-01-22T13:37:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I went to Big W to get some stuff after I picked up my car from the mechanic. I was standing in line with my trolley, (or 'cart' for my O/S friends!), and I just leaned over slightly to put something on the counter and someone stabbed me in the back with a white-hot fork.

Well, OK. It wasn't anyone, but it FELT LIKE that's what happened! It was just my stupid disc in my stupid back going AGAIN. Fuck. I am sooooooo pissed that this happened NOW! Five days left of holidays and I can't move.

OK, I should be grateful that I can sit in my chair and type. As long as I sit really still and don't move then I don't get the 'White-Hot, Breathtaking, Stabbing' pain. Just the 'I've Been Hit Across The Kidneys With A Baseball Bat' ache.

Another sister story

2005-01-21T02:31:00.000+11:00

Same sister as in previous post.

She has to wear a uniform to work, but the company provides them. The employees, however, have to go to the warehouse and pick them up.

There is an old guy working there who has been there since before the dawn of time. He shouts everything, (possibly because he's half-deaf!), and therefore you can't help but overhear everything he says if you are in the warehouse.

Sister enters, as she is picking up some new work pants. (Now, my sister is NOT fat, not like me. She is average size, about a 14 - 16 Australian- don't know what that is in other countries, sorry people- you'll have to do your own conversions!)

There are quite a few customers in the place. Anyway, she goes up to the counter and asks for a 16. Old Man shouts: "What? What size have you gone up to? Sixteen! You'd better go on a diet, you'll never get a husband being that size!"

And this was only RECENTLY! Surely it's ILLEGAL to say things like that these days! Sheesh!

Hairdressers

2005-01-21T02:20:00.000+11:00

A story from my sister:

Sister goes into hairdressers. Has the usual chit chat, Hairdresser asks what she'd like done, sister answers: "Well, I just wanted it cut shorter, but kind of messy and, uh, funky, you know?"

Hairdresser goes about her business, cutting, wetting, combing, cutting some more, etc. As they do.

Finally, shows sister finished product with mirror and pronounces: "There! I hope that's WACKY enough for you!"

Sister leaves hair salon feeling horrified. Phones me up and tells me the story, wailing: "Funky! I said Funky! Not Wacky!!!"

Needless to say, sister had to go to different hair salon and have 'Wacky' hairstyle altered!

No suds, no fluff

2005-01-20T06:42:00.001+11:00

I am up very early! I woke up at about 5:00 AM and then could not get back to sleep so I decided I might as well get up and ~~fuck around on the Internet~~ do something useful.

We have actually been Out Of The House. Yesterday, we went to the shops for a few hours, (we can only leave the pups for a little while). Last night we went to Partner's Nan's house for dinner as it was Partner's mum's birthday, (we took Nikki Bokker and the pups with us, of course). Partner's sister was there with her New Boyfriend. This one is quite a bit older than her, and had his mobile phone ON THE DINNER TABLE throughout the meal, which was regularly receiving text messages, WHICH HE WAS ANSWERING!

Bizarre, I tell you. Though, we have to be thankful for small miracles. At least he wasn't an offensive, arrogant, lying, druggo, unemployed loser, like her last boyfriend. Well, not that we know of, anyway!

For some reason, Partner's sister decided to wash up after dinner. (If you knew her, you'd know that she's a lazy and selfish cow and that her voluntary washing up surprised everyone). Then you have that ahhhhhhhhh! moment. It was because the New Boyfriend was there! Of course!

Anyway, I *always* wash up at Nan's- it's just my job. So, being relieved of that duty, I grabbed a tea towel and started to dry up. Now, I'm ~~completely anal~~ a little bit particular about washing and drying. Firstly, when I wash up, there must be NO SUDS left on the dishes! (I think this is due to the fact that I one read that we drink about a litre of washing up detergent over a lifetime if you added up all the microscopic bits you drink/eat from using detergent. Well, not me matey! I'm not having that!).

As well as the No Suds rule, I also have the No Fluff rule for drying up. (Though, due to everyone else's lack of seeing the importance of this rule, handwashed dishes at our place are usually left to 'dry naturally'). At Nan's last night, Partner's sister washed the first sinkful and filled the dish-drying rack, so to speed things along, she grabbed a tea towel and started drying up too. She DID NOT CARE about the NO FLUFF rule!!! In fact, she even made the flippant comment of, "There's nothing there that won't dry in the cupboard". I could see streaks of Tea Towel Fluff on her half-dried dishes! She was averaging three plates to my one!

This stressed me out so much that I had to ~~dob on her~~ mention it to nan after I left. Though I didn't use any names. I merely said, "Nan, any dishes in the cupboard that are not dried properly were NOT the one's that I did". Nan couldn't really say anything because Partner's mum gets defensive when anyone says anything bad about her sister, but we can't WAIT for Nan to ring us next time when Partner's mum isn't around! She'll bitch about that girl 'till the cows come home! We'll be sure to remind her about the dishes. And the New Boyfriend's mobile phone ringing all the way through dinner. I mean, Nan's getting on a bit, and we wouldn't want her to forget those things, now would we?

Goodnight, Little One.

2005-01-19T07:20:00.000+11:00

Little Pierre died yesterday morning and we are all just heartbroken. He was doing so well- feeding properly, putting on lots of weight, he was even beginning to wobble around on his legs. Then, all day Monday, he was just a bit off his food. About 8:30 AM Tuesday, Partner was holding him and he had some kind of seizure... gave a cry of pain and arched his back and stopped breathing.

It's just so fucking unfair! He had fought off his lung infection! He was a strong little fighter, and then this. Nature's way of kicking you in the guts. If it had have happened when he was a few days old, or even when he was sick, it would have been easier to deal with, but NOW, it was just so unexpected. We really thought he was going to make it.

Rest in Peace, litte Pierre. We'll see you at the Rainbow Bridge.

Customer Relations

2005-01-18T13:20:00.000+11:00

This morning we had to take our spare dog, ('Burnie', the stray that Partner bought home before Christmas), to the airport as he went to his new home in Mt Isa. We were told to be there at 4:30 AM. Yes, read that again: 4fucking30 IN THE MORNING. Of course, that was the ONLY plane that met the connection to Mt Isa from Brisbane airport. You knew that didn't you?

After having a small domestic over who's fault it was that we missed the entrance to Australian air Express the first time, we were stopped by the security gaurd and Partner was asked to show her licence. The guard said, "You might find you're a bit early". The clock read 4:28. Geez, I thought, they run a tight ship here!

We parked, and were in the process of getting out when another worker came over to the car. Of course, by now it's 4:30 AM. Still pitch black. And raining. (You knew that, though, didn't you?).

So the worker guy comes over and says, "Uhhh.... it's a bit early just yet. You'll find the counter isn't open yet". We explain to him that we were told to be here at 4:30. He enquired, "Who told you that?". We told him exactly who Told Us That. He scratched his head and said, "Well, you see, it's Monday and the counter doesn't open 'till 5:00 AM on Monday". OF COURSE.

Meanwhile, we're standing in the rain with the car doors open. He says, "I think you'd better wait in the car. Because it's raining." Oh really? No shit, Sherlock.

Do you know how long half an hour is at 4:31 AM? It's bloody long, let me tell you. It's longer than say, ANY OTHER HALF HOUR in the day.

Eventually, after a million years, the clock struck 4:55 AM and we decided to get out when we SAW SOME OTHER PEOPLE walking over to the office part. They GOT THERE FIRST. (But you knew that, didn't you?). We had to wait until the Other Guy came out from the office behind the counter.

We lifted our travel crate onto the counter. The company he was travelling with, (Ozpets), had kindly said they would donate a travel crate as Partner had told him the story that he was a stray and we were paying for him to travel to a new Forever Home. (Which was bloody nice of them, as they were $57.00 to purchase!)

Anyway, Other Guy comes over to the counter and says, "Urghhdwhgghb". I said, "Pardon?". Other Guy says, "Ughrgaabdpre-booked?". I take it to mean that he's asking if the dog is pre-booked, and say "Yes". Then he says, "Urhgname?". I assume he wants the name, supply him with this information, and figure I must have assumed correctly as he taps on the keyboard and looks at the monitor. Then he disappears out the back.

After about 16 hours he comes back with a dog crate and puts it on the counter next to our one. There is a big yellow sticker on the door of the crate, which only I can see, as it's facing away from Partner. (She tells me later she had no idea whether he knew this had been donated or if we'd have to pay for it, as he didn't actually SAY ANYTHING). He taps on the keyboard again and then pushes some sort of paper and a pen towards Partner. She assumes she has to fill out the details of the people picking him up at the other end and sign it.

While she's occupied doing that, I say to Other Guy, "I wish you could explain to them, (indicating the dog in the crate), what's happening, , so they won't be so frightened by all the noise". He ~~reassures me that he will be fine, that dogs travel in planes all the time and not to be concerned~~ says, "Ughhhdnbg". So we all stand there in uncomfortable silence while Partner finishes the paperwork. We say one last goodbye to Burnie and leave the office.

When we get in the car we realise that the only two words we understood in the entire transaction was 'pre-booked' and 'name'. Really, some people should just not be allowed to deal with customers!

I discovered today...

2005-01-17T22:46:00.000+11:00

...that two of my dogs like marshmallows.

...that I can eat an entire 250gm bag (minus two) in one sitting.

Why 48? Why not 50?

2005-01-16T03:06:00.000+11:00

1. Your name spelled backwards: enitsirhc

2. Where were your parents born? Mum: Hurstville, Australia. Dad: Bournemouth, England. In other words, plain old WASPS.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? An excellent photo organsing program called Picasa. It's free and links with Hello- the program which allows me to post all those fabulous photos here!

4. What's your favorite restaurant? Hmmm... not really sure about this one. I think anything with good Thai, Indian, Chinese or Italian food.

5. Last time you swam in a pool? Oh, some time a year or two ago. Partner and I were going to WW. We actually lost 20kg before we sabotaged ourselves.

6. Have you ever been in a school play? Yes, once, because the 'whole class' had to be involved in the production of 'Oliver', and I was terrified every sodding minute of it!

7. How many kids do you want? Tried that once. I'm still suffering the consequences! (No, really, I love her to bits. Especially the eye-rolling)

8. Type of music you dislike most? Heavy Metal! Eww.

9. Are you registered to vote? Yes, it's compulsory in Australia.

10. Do you have cable? Yes, but only because my darling partner refuses to get rid of it, even though a) we hardly ever watch it and b) it's ridiculously expensive even if we did watch it! (She has stubborness down to a fine art)

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? Hmmm, not a moped, but a motorbike. And OMG if my mother knew she'd have killed me herself!

12. Ever prank call anybody? When I was about 10 or 11. My neighbour Warwick made me do it. I thought the police were going to come knocking on my door ANY MINUTE and arrest me.

13. Ever get a parking ticket? I can't remember having one, but surely I *must* have!

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Look, I have had suicidal tendencies in the past due to untreated depression, but hey, I'm not THAT crazy!

15. Farthest place you ever traveled? Papua New Guinea or New Zealand... don't know which is further, but neither are very far at all!

16. Do you have a garden? Yes, but we have to pay someone to come and mow the grass, being non-stereotypical lesbians.

17. What's your favorite comic strip? I would have to think of one I READ, let alone my favourite! Oh, wait a minute, does 'The Far Side' count? That's my favourite!

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Woo- hoo! I DO! First and Second verses! (Only because I am forced to teach it to children!)

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, morning, always.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Benny and Joon.

21. Favorite pizza topping? Pepperoni, Mushroom, Olives, Double Cheese, Fresh Tomato, Pineapple, BBQ Sauce, Oregano and Garlic.

22. Chips or popcorn? Ewww, chips over popcorn always! (I hate those husk bits that get stuck in your teeth).

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? 'Usually' and 'wear lipstick' don't mean anything to me!

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? What the...? Peanut Shells?

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Ah ha ha. That's funny.

26. Orange Juice or apple? Apple, has to be apple. Or Apple with something else.

27. Favorite type chocolate bar? Chokito, Picnic, Twirl.

28. When was the last time you voted at the polls? Unfortunately, just this past Spring (2004), when the homophobic, conservative, right-winged, bastard Liberal government got in again. I want a bumper sticker that says, "Don't blame me, I didn't vote for them".

29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Ummm.... maybe when I was, like, three or something.

30. Have you ever won a trophy? Yes, for coming top of the class in woodworking. That should have given me a heads up about the whole lesbian thing, but hey, going through the whole hetero thing for about a decade just made me a stronger person, don't you think?

31. Are you a good cook? Ha Ha. That's a good one.

32. Do you know how to pump your own gas? We're tough out here in Aus. We ALWAYS pump our own ~~gas~~, er... petrol.

33. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Ahhh, I'd have to say no to that one.

34. Sprite or 7-up? No, no, it's all wrong! Diet Coke!

35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Oh, I so MISS having a uniform! The advantages are just astronomical! Maybe I'll suggest it at the next staff meeting...

36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Efexor, (antidepressant), Estelle, ('the pill'), Pariet, (for heatburn/ulcer) and Zyrtec, (for hayfever). And I don't want any jokes about rattling or shares in the pharmacy, OK?

37. Ever throw up in public? I like to vomit in private, just with close family and friends.

38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? Would it be so hard to love a millionaire, huh, would it? Oh, hang on. I forgot about Donald Trump.

39. Do you believe in love at first sight? You gotta have that spark or the car ain't going nowhere!

40. Ever call a 1-900 number? I think this refers to one of those icky numbers! So, no. However, if it refers to calling a TV station, yes I have voted on both 'Big Brother' and 'Australian Idol'.

41. Can exes be friends? No way. They've seen you naked!!!

42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My partner- when she had her Op.

43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? I have no idea!

44. What message is on your answering machine? "Would the person who keeps ringing and hanging up please leave a message so we know who you are?".

45. What is in your backpack? I am assuming this can also mean 'handbag'. Wallet, (full of credit cards, old reciepts, various membership cards, coins, occasionally some cash), 2 mini packs of tissues, anti-bacterial hand wipes, hand moisturiser, emergency mascara, emergency body spray, nail clippers, lip balm, mobile phone, 16 pens of different varieties and colours, 'women's' things, sunglasses, Enjo glasses cleaning cloth, emergency pen, mini digital tape recorder, spare batteries, house/car keys, work keys, 2 memory stick USB drives, and a couple of emergency hair clips.

46. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Read, but by the time I force myself to go to bed, I usually don't make it past half a sentence.

47. What is one thing you are grateful for today? That I have Broadband and not Dial-Up Internet Connection.

48. What is the first concert you ever went to? 'Cold Chisel' and 'The Angels' at Cronulla Leauges Club. It would have been early 80's.

*Thanks to the Cheesemistress herself, from whom I got these questions. Go read her blog. I love her to bits!